Rules for Surviving a Horror Movie
And the #1 rule for surviving a horror movie:
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
- If you find that your house was built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Don't mumble to yourself, either - if you can't read silently, you have no business with such a thing anyway.
- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
- If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably that way for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
- If you're searching for something that caused a mysterious noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing. Especially if you're working with dinosaur DNA.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
- Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden blocks on your work surface.
- When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the lights on!
- Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.
- Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.
- Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery and a full tank of gas so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
- Never say that you'll be right back, because you won't.
- Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, crypt, tomb, mausoleum, or any other house of the dead.
- If anything other than water (i.e., blood or thick goo of any color) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.
- If, while looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, a room different from the one you are in, or a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed.
- If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.
- When the family pet runs away, DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR IT - pets are usually not killed, and even if they are, it's just a warm-up for the next, human victim.
- Never unlock the doors and look outside.
- If it's late at night and your dog suddenly perks up his ears and growls lowly in his throat, never EVER say "Whassa matter Boy? Gotta go out?"
- If you use gasoline to destroy your attacker, make sure your Zippo is in fine working order. Also, make sure it's not the one your father used in Vietnam because you have to throw it away with a witty one-liner.
- Make sure you get up early enough so you can kill the vampires during the day.
- When you are trapped in a strange old house with your date, NEVER say: "Let's try the basement!" or "Look! The stairs up to the attic!"
- When approaching a room with a door that hasn't been opened in decades, and the knob begins to slowly turn back and forth on its own, back away! Do NOT ask loudly, "Who's there?"
- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go it alone.
- If appliances start operating by themselves, MOVE OUT.
- Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as soon as possible!
- If your car runs out of gas at night, DO NOT go to the nearest deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that is strange
because you thought you had half a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going
to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you
recognize this one!), the Bemuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
- Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
- Listen closely to the sound track and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
- If you are running for your life and are being chased by a monster/psychopath/axe murderer and you happen to be female, take the high-heeled shoes OFF!
- Also, if you've just pushed the monster/psychopath/axe murderer in the lake from your boat dock or a bridge, don't lean over to see if he's gone!
- When confronted by the walking dead, aim for the head.
- If you're female, never EVER take off your shirt. They like to attack you when your bejoobies are hanging out.
- Lock your darn doors, make sure the gas tank is full, and if you hit something that was weird looking, make the cops go look and see what it was.
- If the creepy bag lady of the town tries to give you some advice, TAKE IT! For some reason she always seems to know what she is talking about during her brief moments of lucidity.
- Join the police or the military right away! That way, you won't be anywhere near the monster until it's really dead.
- Remember, the monster cannot be stopped by bullets, the army or an atomic bomb. Only a mob bearing pitchforks and torches will be able to inflict significant damage.
- Monsters are generally radioactive, so always carry a Geiger counter in your car.
- When confronted with a large, animated flying reptile, aim for the wires.
- If you can get around the creature, and get to the zipper on his back, you can render it helpless.
- If you are female, and intend to go swimming in a haunted pool/black lagoon/deserted lake, a white one-piece bathing suit is de rigueur.
- Girls, if you are going on a date to Lovers Lane, make sure you are wearing shoes with proper ankle support. Statistically you will turn an ankle and the creature will get you.
- Avoid going to isolated research stations whenever possible. Arctic weather stations, foreboding pacific atolls, distant space stations, and island bases for gene-splicing corporations top the list.
- When finding a meteor/egg sac/fetal creature of any kind, step away! DO NOT give in to the diabolical urge to poke it with a stick.
- Unless you are in the company of Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and their talking dog, the creature/ghost coming at you is most likely REAL.
- If you see some strange, globulous, slimy, pulsating thing in your house, don't mutter "What the hell?" to yourself and reach for it.
- If some guy comes to your door who looks exactly like an ancestor of yours who "died" 200 years before, claiming to be a cousin from England, SHUT THE DOOR!
- When killer bees, flesh eating worms, or Cujo have trapped you in your car, make sure to turn OFF the oldies station. It just seems to excite them.
- Always check the back seat of your car.
- The first time that you are absolutely sure that the monster/killer is dead or the hellgate is finally closed forever, you are in the most danger. Don't relax.
- Objects moving in a mysterious fashion should be considered a very bad sign.
- If, on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.
- If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, Indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly he/she is.
- Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.
- If one of your group is missing for a while and, upon returning, no longer seems as frightened, assuring you that there is really nothing to be worried about, do not let him/her get behind you. He/she has joined the other side.
- If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill him because he is not normal!
- After you kill the maniac, don't stand anywhere near the body and don't drop the gun, knife or other instrument of death because (1) he is not dead and (2) you will be needing the instrument of death again.
- Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. That will eventually get you killed.
- Kill the greedy person in the group. He/she will eventually get you killed.
- Never make fun of the local yokel's stories about deformed killer babies in backwoods towns - you can bet they are real and you might get them angry.
- Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid. Those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way.
- If someone in your group is too scared to shoot when the monster is bearing down on you, grab the gun and shoot the monster yourself, or use your weapon to kill both the monster and your friend, especially if there are more monsters around. Your friend was dead weight.
- Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl because she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.
- Nothing is ever over if it is still nighttime.
- If it seems as though you have just woken up from a horrible nightmare, chances are you are still in grave danger.
- Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do.
- When fleeing some peril (mutant rats, lava, Cleveland Browns fans, etc.), do not keep turning around to see how close it is/they are behind you. This slows you down and increases your chances of getting caught by said peril.
- Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.
- Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.
- If you're ever lost in the woods filming a documentary, don't stop and collect little stick figures.
- Never trust your best boy/girl friend. As soon as the monster or
spirt can, it's going to take over his/her mind and that friend will turn on
- If your children or pets speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than
their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the
long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
prepared. This applies also to people who speak with somebody else's (usually deep)
voice. (Does not apply if you are a member of a space exploration team, and the person who does this is your leader, and his eyes turn glowing yellow.)
- Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
- If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to
"help" them - they will eat you. (Unless you are the captain of a starship called Enterprise.)
- Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like
eggs, leave them alone.
- Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if you find hideous parasites attached to their bodies.
- Be forewarned that a gun is good only for ALMOST killing the monster, never
for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one
with a "flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop
- Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy
breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you thought was dead.
- Never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
- Never camp or build homes on Indian (i.e., Native American/First Nations) burial grounds.
- If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say
"Tom, Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run away.
- If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car, the
monster will be in it.
- NEVER bring the cat or any member of your family back from the dead.
- Try to make friends with someone from your own species. If your only friends are rats, insects or anyone who is invisible, you are going to die.
- If you realize that a car has been operating on its own, get away from it immediately. Do not touch it, and above all, NEVER get in, especially in the driver's seat!
- If your child or infant seems especially bright, beautiful, AND has piercing blue eyes, kill him/her immediately. If you can't do that, have a priest or retired mystery writer do it for you. Under NO circumstances should you lean over a cliff, shimmy out on a tree branch, cross a train tressle, or climb a ladder to rescue the tyke from certain death - it is a trap.
- Never accept a job as a camp counselor.
- Do NOT drink alcohol if you are underage.
- Never turn off the radio or TV when an emergency news bulletin is on - unless you want to be in the next bulletin.
- If someone tells you "Wait right here," heed that person's order and don't go anywhere.
- Never assme that everything is going to be all right. It won't be.
- Never go for a walk by yourself, especially in the wilderness.
- Don't mockingly go "Oo-ee-oo!" to jokes about how creepy something is.
- When the monster is running after you, run out the door rather than up the stairs.
- When the exorcist/priestess/whoever declares the house is "clear," your troubles have just begun.
- Never look under the stairs, or the bed, or in the closet, or the cellar, attic, etc.
- Don't take anything back to the lab that looks like it might hatch real
soon - especially if it is transparent, something inside is moving, or it appears
to be lighted from within.
- In the same vein, never bend over to look into anything that looks like an opening egg.
- If you don't want to be chased by the monster (or serial killer, shark,
alien, giant snake, radioactive ants, etc.) don't wear skimpy clothes or wet T-shirts.
- If you are being chased by a car, don't run into a building - the car
will corner you and rev its engine menacingly before destroying the house,
business, police station, etc. Whereas, if you just run down the road, it won't
- Never unwrap the mummy. (Always good, though, to have duck tape around in case something unravels).
- When flying on an airplane at night, in a storm, don't raise the shade to
see what that noise out on the wing was.
- Don't talk to sheriffs wearing reflecting sunglasses in towns that are so
small the gas station has one pump.
- Silver works, garlic doesn't.
If you're the monster:
- If you're after the final survivor, take a break, go buy a gun, and take him or her out from a distance, avoiding all electrical lines, magic knives and heavy weights from above.
- Always remember to eat the small kids FIRST, because if you don't they're going to find a way to defeat you when all the adults fail.
- Should you become a vampire, follow these tips.
Escape to the main Cosmos.